Living in the Past, Dreaming in the Present, and Suffering in the Soul

They say “Home is where the heart is” and this is a phrase I absolutely agree with.

For me, however, it’s also “The heart is where home is” and that seems to be a rarity in these days and times. To be that woman devoted to the well-being of her home and family has for many years now been something looked down upon and shunned. To much of society, being a “housewife” or “stay-at-home mom” isn’t acceptable anymore – it’s no longer the primary role of the female species to be a homemaker, and instead, it’s considered “unambitious” or most incredibly, “lazy.”

I, for one, would like to know what the hell happened.

This is a subject I am very passionate about, not to mention, the main inspiration for my blog.

Because the desire to be a homemaker comes so naturally for me, I am baffled by the modern outlook on such a fundamental aspect of the family unit.

Baffled and very, very angry.

I’m angry because, although I’m not the married, mothering homemaker that I wish I was, I have had a taste of the shaming that many of them have to endure.

In my first blog post, I talked about my recent devastating breakup with a Marine veteran – a man that came across as very traditional and initially was happy with the idea of me being a homemaker. When his personality and opinions flipped a switch, he then saw me as a person with no aspirations or direction in life, and he unreasonably accused me of using him to get somewhere. His new, distorted view of me was that I had no sense of who I was and I’d done nothing with myself. Because I didn’t go to college or have some big, important career is all I can fathom, I still don’t know why or how he could “rationally” say things so snobbish and hurtful to me.

Or how inaccurate.

I thought he had understood me and what I wanted. He had wanted it too.

I wasn’t with him because he was A direction, I was with him because I thought he was THE direction and the man I was dreaming of. He deliberately portrayed himself as such.

So while he continues to pretend that I’m the one with the identity issues, I’m fully aware that it’s him who won’t come to terms with who he actually is. I don’t need someone like HIM telling me that I’M out of touch with reality.

Still, my personality is very difficult for me because, for the most part, I really don’t fit into today’s world. That may sound ridiculous as I type this blog out on my chromebook and post it on a website, and am undoubtedly a huge fan of Instagram and Pinterest, but notice I said “for the most part.” Aside from some important modern conveniences/necessities, my love for technology is rather limited and selective. If it’s not my definition of aesthetically-pleasing, or serves no practical purpose for me, I don’t want it. Most technological advancements they’re coming out with are unnecessary and encourage laziness. I don’t know about you, but I hate the thought of living on a planet with robots cleaning and serving everyone in their homes, the streets and buildings looking like spacecraft, and our beautiful, historic traditions ceasing to exist.

Sure, I’d like to keep some of our modern technologies, but I want to take a step back – I mean way back – in quite a few areas of life from the way they currently are.

I’m so sure of what I want, that knowing how I feel is the root of many of my struggles.

Because I’m trapped in a place and time while my heart is silently (and often not silently) crying out to be somewhere else.

I could make the “time” work if the environment was right, but figuring out how to get to that environment is the biggest challenge and struggle.

With the way I am and how the job world leads me into more depression, motivation is not easy to muster. I’m a good, reliable, hard worker, but I will always eventually develop the insatiable urge to run away, my soul always dying for what it can’t seem to have: liberation from the existence I feel imprisoned in, and peace of mind in the dream I most deeply desire.

That’s where the emptiness and sadness come from. Marriage and children seem impossible and intangible for me. And then the prospect of a career, which is my evident only option, isn’t faring any better. I don’t want to make excuses for myself, but I won’t back down from my personal reasons or opinions either, because I truly believe that not everyone is made for the “workforce” or “rat race.” Very few actually are I imagine, and I’m sure that’s one of the major contributors to so much unhappiness and depression in society. Humans were better off being more self-reliant and attuned to nature and the seasons. Those are definitely major goals in my life. Simple and refreshing, no?

It would be a “No” to many – those who are materialistic or too accustomed to the luxuries they take for granted. Even my ex-boyfriend – a very skilled country dweller – in the end treated me like I was crazy and lost.

“Crazy and lost” for wanting to live like a hillbilly and be a wife and mother, and wake up every morning to the man and children that I love more than anything else in the world.

Because apparently that’s not a “direction” or an “ambition.”

I, admittedly, am lost in the sense that I don’t know how or if I will ever achieve the life I want, but I’m not lost at all about what I want. There’s a huge difference, and people seem to fail to realize that my traits and instincts are biologically-ingrained in me as a traditional, nurturing female.

And in general I just feel extremely misunderstood.

I think the only people who could understand me are the other women like me.

I’ve looked up online articles over the past few years about the contemporary misconceptions and shaming of homemakers, and they’ve all resonated with me, but one I found recently I particularly liked.

The title of the article is What If My Daughters “Just” Want to be Homemakers?

I love the message this lady sends because she focuses on the belief that a woman’s worth and success shouldn’t be based on her having some “aspiring career” or “highly-ambitious” goals.

That we shouldn’t be criticized for not making a financial contribution, but instead society should respect and celebrate the unique but equal contributions men and women provide in a marriage and family.

To me, this is all common sense.

Unfortunately, I know society as a whole is only becoming less and less accepting of this credence and is misleading females into thinking that going down this life path will give them regrets, unfulfilled dreams, and a lost sense of who they are.

The author of the article touched on this misconception as well, and revealed the fact that for the women who truly love being homemakers or wish to be them, we do not feel confused or unsure of who we are.

Because this IS who we are.

The idea that we have no identity is ridiculous, and frankly, bullshit. It’s a very ignorant and presumptuous statement to make, and it further pushes that delusive view that in order to be a strong-willed, independent-minded, goal-achieving woman, you have to do things the same way a man does. Do not buy into that new age propaganda. Matriarch types are historically known for being the backbone of a family for a reason.

Housewives, stay-at-home moms, and homemakers still have strong, individual personalities, hobbies, and passions. The beauty of it all is getting to be able to take special care of your home and family AND find ways to incorporate the other things you love.

That is how I see it and no one can change my mind.

In the case with my ex who became delusional and decided to label me as basically a weak, aimless, opportunistic leach of a human – he could not have been more fucking wrong.

To any women reading this and feeling cut down, underappreciated, or being told that you need to “Be your own person” – let me tell you that you already are and you’re the strongest kind of them all.


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