The Mystery (and Madness) of Synchronicity

I had said in the beginning that I wasn’t planning on writing more of these long, drawn-out posts about a specific man. 

However, continued unexplainable occurrences have led me to it, and I felt compelled to share what I’ve been experiencing over the past few months. 

This blog has to do with the topic of “Synchronicity” and if you haven’t heard of such a word – Synchronicity is basically a series of occurrences or events that seem connected and have significant meaning to you. They are extraordinary, seemingly-impossible coincidences that appear “meaningfully related” – messages from our angels, or “divine intervention”, if you will. 

I’ve had my share of coincidences and I’d seen maybe a few “signs” in the past, but never anything like what I’ve been seeing this year. It has been blowing my mind. 

Yes, this has to do with my Marine veteran ex-boyfriend again. I mentioned some of these synchronicities in my story about him in my first blog post, but when the occurrences kept happening, I started keeping a record of them all. This is what I’ve been recording.

My Synchronicity Timeline – From March/April to July:

– Since our breakup in late March, I’ve been constantly seeing military men featured on television, in almost everything I watch. 

Yes, one could argue that it’s because I have a military man on the brain all the time and I’m in a mindset making me take notice of things I normally wouldn’t and it just seems out of the ordinary, when in actuality it’s my mental state honing in on what’s relevant to my situation.

You could say that about all my signs, and about the idea of synchronicity in general, but I honestly believe I am seeing too many things, and in too many strange circumstances, for this all to be “normal” or “ordinary.” 

– Like the very random Facebook friend request I got in early May from the woman dog trainer. I have no idea why she sent me a friend request or how she came across my profile. What was so bizarre is how similar she seemed to my ex-boyfriend. Not in a creepy way as though it was him on a fake account or anything like that – she’s obviously a real person who apparently has a husband and lives in North Carolina. It’s the similarity of the content she posts on her page. At the time she tried to “friend” me, she had some things promoting Mental Health Awareness Week, but just like my ex-boyfriend, she posts A LOT about dogs and dog-training. Which they both obviously would, but what are the chances of getting a friend request from someone else in that field who isn’t acquainted somehow with my ex? I know he’s very involved in the dog-training community. I recognized some of the dog pages this woman shared posts from as the same ones I saw my ex share. They post about the same BREEDS of dogs. They just seem like they would be friends. I don’t see how it’s possible that there’s NOT a link between them, doing what they do.

At the same time of course, I say to myself, “There can’t be, she wouldn’t send me a friend request if she knew him.” She tried to add me almost two weeks after my last face-to-face confrontation with him, and he had already been blocking me on Facebook, it’s not like she would have seen me on his friends list or in anything after he did that to me.

So besides her and I both being boldly Conservative women, I don’t know what the connection was. I don’t see other Conservative females sending me friend requests. And I had never come across dog trainers in my life, besides my ex. Seriously, never. 

I can’t say that there actually is a link between him and that random friend request, all I can say is that it is extremely confusing and completely mind-boggling.

– Another shocking circumstance came on June 10th. I was out driving and heading back home, and just as I was thinking of writing about my ex for my introduction blog post, a vehicle passed by me with several stickers indicating the driver was a police K-9 dog trainer. They had a Texas plate, and my ex is a fan of Texas, he has ties to the state. The biggest sticker was one that said “TRUST ME, I’M A DOG TRAINER.” 

I couldn’t believe what I was seeing. Another dog trainer. A K-9 one at that. And the Texas plate was a nice touch as well. 

It was, as I said in that first blog, another “unbelievably strange coincidence.”

– Then on June 25th (exactly three months from the day my ex broke up with me), I was startled and hit with disbelief once again. 

I was going through my Facebook newsfeed and I suddenly saw a post from my ex-boyfriend’s dog-training business page. It almost gave me a little heart attack, it startled me so much, I mean it really made my heart jump and start racing a bit. 

I was upset and didn’t understand why it was in my feed – after he broke up with me, I had deliberately “unfollowed” his business page for obvious reasons and it should not have showed up there. I didn’t “unlike” the page because I have full respect for what he does with the dogs and helping veterans and the police force, but I was not supposed to be seeing anything from his page. For some reason, Facebook reset my preferences – that is the only explanation, because I had that page hidden for months and then it just decided to appear again for me exactly three months from when we broke up. The fact that it happened on that very day gives me even more of a reason to add the event to this list.

– In the early morning of June 28th, I had one of my numerous dreams of my ex. It was a very strange one – in it I was running away from him. I was in a never-ending building, and I kept going through sets of doors, and he was after me. He was slow and subtle, calmly hot on my trail as I moved panickingly between hordes of people. And as he came through the crowds, everyone fell silent and cleared out of his way, and all I could do was stumble along and keep looking back with the loud sound of his boots behind me echoing in my head. 

While I was being hunted, the dream would flash up images of him and I together, with him holding me, and my heart was just shuddering with excitement and content. 

I woke up, and my heart sank, feeling wearily frustrated and stunned that I had such a dream. 

It was peculiar that HE was after ME, when he probably doesn’t want me within a 50-mile radius of him. 

Of course it was just a dream, but that same morning I was driving to my aunt’s house in another town and I ended up behind a truck with a large “Proud Veteran of the Marine Corps” decal on the back window staring at me. 

It was just one thing after the other. 

And I’m still not finished.

– I had another weird dream on the morning of July 12th. I didn’t know why, but my ex’s dogs were at my house – and he wasn’t. I had his dogs and they appeared just fine and quite happy to be with me. I kept thinking about how I was going to have to contact him to tell him, but at the same time I knew that he had to have brought them there in the first place, so that was all very nonsensical.

And that’s all I remember, I just woke up from another confusing scenario to stump my brain. 

I went to work and it felt surprisingly nice outside – I thought I might walk to the neighborhood park down the street from the house I cleaned at when I was done. When I headed out at 12, the afternoon heat had made a big difference (naturally) and I debated whether I still wanted to go to the park. I decided against it, it was just too hot, so I got into my car and left. About halfway through my way home, I saw an odd-looking car drive by – it had a giant can on top of it. It was a “Red Bull” car, I had never seen one of those before. I didn’t even know those cars existed. I don’t drink Red Bull.

But my ex-boyfriend does. It was one of his rituals – everytime we drove into town, he would stop at the convienence store and get his huge can of Red Bull. 

So yes, it had a significant meaning to me. I almost didn’t add this “sighting” to this list because talking about a Red Bull car does seem a little silly, but if I had not changed my mind about going to the park, I would have not been in that exact spot at that exact time to pass something that essentially was in my ex’s hand every weekend I went to see him. 

– My next synchronicity occurrence didn’t actually involve my ex, but I still found it strange and meaningful. On July 13th (that magickal 13), for some reason I woke up in the middle of the night. I looked at the time on my phone and it was 3:33 A.M. 

I always like to see it say 3:33 because 3 is my favorite number, and three 3’s are even better, so that makes 333 my true favorite number. 

I can’t remember when I fell back asleep, but later on in the day – in the late afternoon – I was moving my things around in my room and I picked up my phone to check it. It was 3:33 P.M. 

I don’t think I’ve ever had that happen twice in a day, and I don’t know why I woke up at that time so early in the morning. It further strengthened my feelings that something bizarre and supernatural was going on.

– The very next day on July 14th, I again woke up at 3 in the morning. This time from probably the nicest dream I’ve had of my ex. In it, some military friend of his was talking to him and he was telling my ex that I was the one for him, that he had been happy with me and he really loved me. Being convinced by another military man did the trick, and my ex wanted to marry me and live together, like the way he had planned on us living together before. 

I want to think the “friend” in the dream was the late Marine drill instructor/actor R. Lee “Gunny” Ermey, I keep picturing him. I don’t know, he’s just who came to mind when I was replaying things in my head. So I guess it was more of “drilling some sense” into my ex, probably not so much a friendly chat. 

Regardless, I realize that it’s a ridiculous dream. But I can’t stop myself from having these dreams, they just happen, and they happen often. They go back and forth, good and bad. They coincide with my conflicting thoughts about who he really is and how he really felt about me. 

After I fell back to sleep that morning, I continued to dream about him for the remaining hours until I got up. 

– July 15th. I’m adding this date for the reason that it’s when I actually tried to do my own communicating with whatever forces were possibly responsible for these maddening occurrences. 

Because synchronicity is said to be a form of divine communication and that you should view your coincidental “signs” as messages from your angels, I wanted to validate that claim. 

Alone in my room that night, I addressed the angels and pleaded with them for clarity, for guidance, for help with my suffering, and also to help my ex-boyfriend. Mainly to help my ex-boyfriend to be honest.

It was the first time I had ever tried to talk to my angels, and it was a very solemn plea for some clear answers and resolution to my situation. 

I didn’t get a direct answer back, and of course I didn’t expect to, I knew that wasn’t how it worked. 

Instead, the synchronicities just continued. 

 – July 18th. After a busy day, I did not feel like doing late-night exercising. I had skipped it in the morning, so I chose to go ahead and make myself do it. I reluctantly took my exercise mat out to the living room in front of the tv where my mom had the 10 P.M. news going. While I was on the floor, the news brought up a story on the “silent epidemic of military veteran suicide.” 

I was in disbelief, as I always am, and I stopped and sat up to watch the segment. It was about mental health awareness of veterans and an organization called “Mission 22” was featured – their name representing the 22 veterans a day that commit suicide. 

I’ve always felt gratitude and sympathy for our servicemen and women, but after being with a military veteran, I am extremely sensitive now to the thought of them suffering and being tormented with mental illnesses. My ex-boyfriend’s life mission is to help his fellow veterans going through such debilitating circumstances. And I had made it clear to him in the beginning of the relationship that I understood how important his mission was. 

Seeing that segment on tv was like the heart of it all – the reason for everything that’s been consuming me. Because not only is it the darkness that my ex is trying to save others from, but it’s also what I believe is destroying himself. He’s so busy trying to make a difference in the world around him that he doesn’t know everything that is going on inside him. 

He pretends to, but I think he’s wrong.

– July 20th, I was driving home from grocery shopping and he was on my mind again. I had already missed him so much right after the breakup, but I started thinking that over time I was just missing him more and more. This made some tears fall, and I felt like an idiot for having these emotions for him and not being able to let go.

After I got home, I looked on my phone’s Facebook feed and there was a post from a page talking about missing someone so much, and part of the quote said that the feeling just became “engraved deeper into my heart with the passing of time.” It went on about how people tell you to let go of this person, but you can’t because the only way you can is to no longer exist. 

It was exactly how I was feeling and thinking to myself on my way home, and then I came across that post right after. It mystified me, stunned me, frustrated me – I couldn’t understand how or why all this was happening. 

– July 22nd. While I was at work, I kept telling myself there was no way I was going to see anything related to my ex on my way back home. When I was still finishing up and knew I was going to be getting out of work late, I started thinking about the way things happen with the choices you make and when your timing changes from your plans. But I continued to tell myself that surely nothing weird would come up. 

When I did leave work and start driving home, I had the feeling that something was in my left eye making my vision a little blurred and I kept rubbing it and trying to clean my sunglasses. I had to stop at a red light at an intersection and then I was close to the truck in front of me. That’s when I saw that it had a Marine Corps frame around its license plate. It was very subtle and not a big obvious decal, but it was there, nonetheless. 

My eyes bugged out when I noticed it. I was so taken aback. I just couldn’t believe it. 

That is when I realized I had to write a blog about what’s been going on.

– On July 23rd (the day I started writing up this blog post), I went over to my dad’s house where my sister was dogsitting, and I spent the majority of the afternoon and evening typing on my chromebook. At 9 P.M. I drove back home, and as soon as I walked into the door, I heard the news going on the tv and the anchor announced a story of a “Marine and his dog.” I mean the almost “second” I walked in the house, that is what I heard. 

This time I actually exclaimed out loud, “Are you fucking kidding me??!”

It was a segment about a Marine being reunited with his old working dog from his military days. 

But here I was dumbfounded. Again.

As astonishing as they are, these synchronicities have only added to my confusion and consuming thoughts. I feel more conflicting emotions, because I can’t figure out what the actual message is that I’m being given.

What am I supposed to think? What am I supposed to make of all of this? 

How am I supposed to respond to these “signs”?

“Hey, thanks for constantly reminding me of my dream man who wanted to share his life with me and now hates me for no good reason”???

I say “dream man” because that is really how I felt about him. He even called himself the “man of my dreams” on our second date. 

I don’t know what the signs are telling me about the turned-spiteful-and-cruel “man of my dreams” but if anyone out there is reading this and is intrigued by these synchronicities, and would like more insight on my situation, I can definitely provide that. Keep reading.

The dramatically-contradicting behavior I experienced with my ex-boyfriend:

1. He was giving me all indications that he wanted me and was persistently planning our life together. 

(Keep in mind that the following is all coming from someone who later told me he never felt anything for me.)

– When he first messaged me on the Plenty of Fish dating app, his initial line was “I think I fit your description.” He also let me know that he read my profile more than once and he thought we would go well together. He acted like the things I said resonated with him. 

So from the very beginning, he knew what he was getting into and was quite unhesitant in pursuing me.

– In early text messaging, I told him about some weird connections I had with him – like having two family members (both military men) with his name, and also that I had done a school project on “training patrol dogs” when I was in elementary school. He was astounded, and he matched my revelations by saying the very first working dog he met back in the Marines was a female named “Jack.” He was convinced that these were signs we were destined to meet.

– During our first date, we both admitted that we didn’t respond to anyone else on Plenty of Fish and that we were only interested in each other. 

– He started making plans for us several months in advance. In Janaury (even before our second date) he invited me to go to an event with him that was taking place in late May. 

I saw this as definite confirmation that he fully intended to keep things going with us long-term.

– In one of our phone calls in the beginning, I confessed to him that my heart ached for him before I even read his first messages, and he reciprocated the instant compelling attraction by telling me that he had “stopped in his tracks” when he saw my profile on the dating app. 

– On our second date, his hand kept sweating when he was holding mine. 

*I don’t know why exactly, but I would think that it involves possibly having some kind of, I don’t know, feelings for me (sarcasm).

– And after that date (if not before), he was already thinking about us having kids. He didn’t want to tell me at first because he knew it was very forward, but I pressed him on what he was wanting to say and he said he thought we would have “pretty kids.”

– Right after we officially became a couple, he really went full-throttle on making it clear how serious he was about me and our future together. He wanted his new house he was planning to build to be my house too. He told me that he wanted to build the house more for me than himself. It was so important to him that it felt like it was MY home, and not just his. He wanted me to move in with him. 

– He wanted me to feel like his other things were mine, like his cookbooks for example. He was already in the mindset of us being a married couple it seemed. He wanted us to have a home and a family together. I remember he said something one time about us having a “family flag” – that we needed red plaid in it because that was kind of our thing. Talking about having our own family flag sounded pretty damn official. 

– He was giving all indications that he had the assumption I was going to be his future wife and mother of his children. I remember at one point early on he had seemed excited about the idea of us possibly having twins because they run in our families. He was even perfectly accepting of an unplanned pregnancy – he was okay with it if it happened because it’s what we both wanted anyway. And being the strong Conservative man that he is, he does NOT take pregnancy and babies casually. 

That says to me that he was so sure of his desire to be with me, that he was willing to risk not only pregnancy outside of our ideal timeline, but creating a human life with me period. That is the ultimate stage of a relationship and he believed he wanted that with me.

– On his birthday, I wrote him a special note in his birthday card about how thankful I was for him and how I couldn’t wait to make all of our dreams a reality. He said that meant so much to him, and he would reread it sometimes when I wasn’t there.

– Anytime I had sent him a sweet little surprise message or did any kind of caring gesture during our short-lived relationship, he acted like it meant a lot to him and made him happy. And I felt the exact same way – I had never had a man make me feel so wanted, thought of, and treated like I was a priority in his life. He was so adamant about wanting to share that life with me, and I really believed in the beautiful future we were going to create together. 

2. He turned cold, snobbish, angry, contemptuous, and cruel, as well as hypocritical and contradicting.

The weekend his personality took a big shift, I noticed little things right away. He didn’t touch me or hold me when we went to sleep. He didn’t hold my hand when we were in his truck going into town. These were things he always did. There was a bit of a “cold and distant” aura emanating off of him. He wasn’t completely ice-cold yet that weekend, but looking back after the breakup, there’s no doubt he was freezing over. I could tell he was in an agitated mood, and he was taking it out on me, which he had never done before. He was annoyed with me, he was questioning me, he was unsatisfied with me and my opinions. It definitely hurt my feelings and made me wonder what was going on in his mind about me. He tried to be nicer and he apologized for his bad mood; he attempted to regain his positive thinking.

I believed he was on-edge because he was under so much stress with simultaneously trying to find new land to build on, pack up and move from the current farm, and prepare for two litters of puppies that were about to be born. He was, incredibly, trying to accomplish everything at once – land-hunting, moving out, and getting ready to take care of 10+ dogs, not to mention the everyday responsibility of the farm and the horses. I think more than anything he was frustrated and angry with his living situation – he was temporarily staying with his disabled mom until they could get the farm sold and move on separately. He hadn’t been living there very long when we started dating, but he was constantly having tiffs with her and he was always venting about them to me. He couldn’t wait to have his own home. He couldn’t take being a grown man (and a very capable and competent Marine he felt) and being back to his mom telling him what to do. 

I knew he had so many things going on and I wanted to ease the stress in any way I could. He had been adamant for weeks that I was going to have to help him take care of and train the puppies when they were born, and I had promised him I would. I was also searching online for land for our new home. The farm had been bought in early to mid-February, so we were running out of time to find a property. 

– When I actually did find two really good prospects for us, it was too late, because by that weekend, he was unresponsive. He was shut off, I couldn’t reach him, and I had no idea what was going on. I contacted his mom on Facebook and she told me that he was in one of his “mad moods.” I asked her if she would let him know I was trying to reach him, and she said that she would, adding that she knew what it was like to worry about someone. He still wouldn’t contact me, so the next morning at work I messaged his mom again asking if she would mind if I drove to the farm that night to see him. I wanted at least someone there to be aware I was coming. She said I could and she wished me luck and that she hoped we could work things out. 

We did not “work things out”, however, instead he broke up with me that night. He said he had been seeing “red flags” and created bullshit reasons for why we were incompatible, such as us having “nothing in common” and “bad conversations.” I was branded as being a weak “follower” and that I “couldn’t handle anything.” 

Yes, it’s been four months and those insults still anger me. But the pain from his words still trumps the anger, and the most unbelievable statement for me to hear was that his heart felt nothing for me and I could never make him happy. 

With everything he had said and done with me, and he could sit there and tell me that his heart had nothing for me. 

– After the breakup, I couldn’t stop the feeling that he had just made up excuses to want to end things. I already knew he had been suicidal in the past, but he didn’t tell me until he was breaking up with me that he has Clinical Depression. I felt like there was so much more going on with his mental health issues that I didn’t know. 

Trying to get through to him didn’t do any good, he wouldn’t respond to my messages. I stopped contacting him the following week after breaking up, but he blocked me on Facebook a couple weeks later anyway. As much as I was struggling and hurting, I was trying to accept things and I didn’t want to harass him. I had not planned on trying to talk to him again. But a week later, I was compelled to reach out once more, my intuition was telling me he wasn’t right. I believed he was getting worse and turning callously-cold. 

When I drove out to his farm for a last attempt at a true and honest conversation from him, it was evident that bitter anger and resentment had, indeed, taken over him. He threatened to call the police on me. He accused me of “stalking his family.” He told me that he never felt anything for me and he had finally stopped faking it. He essentially described me as an unaccomplished, directionless human being that used him to get somewhere. He actually did say that I’ve “done nothing with my life” and that I “was looking for a lifeboat.” Everything I brought up about his seemingly-sincere feelings and plans about us just made him more angry and contemptuous. The final straw was reminding him how he told me he had stopped in his tracks when he first saw me. He wanted no part of addressing that and he shook his head and walked off, went inside his house, and he was done. He left me standing there staring after him with no regard or respect for me. 

He was a completely different person from the man that I had made “stop in his tracks.” That whole final conversation showed so many contradictions and once again, he didn’t make any sense. His excuse for everything was “I faked it.” I found that so hard to accept, because he had been so believably genuine about the kind of man he was – an honorable man that told me he would never fake anything or lie to me. 

He implied that I used him just to get somewhere in life. Well, he also made the previous statement in that same conversation that I was in love with him. So which was it – did he think I used him or did he think I loved him? They’re opposing opinions. 

His actual line was “You fell in love and I didn’t.” He also stated, “I’m attracted to you, but I don’t love ya.” 

For him to so carelessly undermine the seriousness that he himself had placed on our relationship was beyond belief. No, he had never told me that he loved me, but still, he was treating it as though it was just a casual thing that we were testing out and it ended with only my heart invested in us. Downplaying his declarations of wanting a life and family with me….it was incredible.

It was simply unreal the way he twisted things in his mind. 

I knew exactly what he was talking about when he fabricated that I “stalked his family.” He said that because I had sent his mom one more message after the breakup – a message about how hurt and confused I was with what her son had done to me. I let her know that I had fallen in love with him (with the man I THOUGHT he was) and how he had wanted me to live with him. I was so concerned about his mental state and I wanted to know if she could make sense of his behavior and if he had a habit of doing this with women. I apologized in the message if it seemed inappropriate, but I don’t feel it was. She never did respond to it – I think she was at a loss of what to say and felt like she couldn’t; that it was none of her business and she knew her son wouldn’t want her messaging me back. He obviously did find out about it though and he used it as another opportunity to try to tarnish my character. All it did was further prove the severity of his own mental illness.

He took an innocent message, sent to just his mom, and called it “stalking his family.” That is a perfect example right there of the absurdity that is going on in his mind.

His mom knew me. She was right there living with him, I was seeing her every weekend for a month-and-a-half. We had meals together, she cooked for me, I cooked for her, I helped her with things around the house sometimes. She was basically my future mother-in-law. We didn’t have enough time to get to know each other very well, but no I don’t feel out of line for contacting her about the emotional trauma her son caused me. He was putting her through a lot as well, I could tell by the comments she made when he wasn’t around. She obviously witnessed first-hand his serious issues regarding his anger and his interpretations of people. I believe she knew his actions were irrational and unreasonable, not mine. 

I saw so many things that convinced me he was being dictated by his mental illness – in both an aggressive nature and an insecure one. 

3. I saw a glimpse of his vulnerability and insecurities.

– I didn’t mention it in my first blog, but I did have an “episode” after my first date with my ex. 

He went out of state for several days for a veteran fundraiser at a convention in Dallas, Texas, and later in the week he didn’t say anything to me for a couple of those days – a change from his daily texts and calls. I knew I shouldn’t freak out, we weren’t actually a couple yet and he was busy with his military buddies enjoying the hunting convention. However, I had learned from my past experiences with guys that when they changed their patterns, that was always a bad sign, and I uncontrollably began to worry and panic. I wasn’t expecting him to talk to me every single day and I was completely aware that my anxiety was unreasonable, but I couldn’t stop it, I had been through too much previous emotional trauma. So for the first time, I had a full blown panic attack. I just had my heart so set on him already and I was terrified he was going to hurt me and ignore me like all the others. I managed to calm down and the next day he left Texas and he got back in touch that night. He apologized for not talking and said that he had been thinking about me all week. That was also the same night he asked me to go to “Rocklahoma” with him four months in advance. 

The following day I told him about my panic attack – I wanted him to know and understand. He assured me that it wouldn’t scare him off, and he thought I was bottling too much inside, he told me to let him know when I was going through something like that. 

I never needed to. He gave me a lion-head pendant he had bought for me in Dallas, and with him emphasizing the significance of that pendant and his increasing commitment to me, I felt so secure and confident in our relationship. 

Trinkets and gifts from my ex-boyfriend, including the lion pendant

The reason I’m telling this particular story is because of the strange episode he had himself when we officially became a couple.

After our first weekend together and I went back home, he fell asleep for six hours and then he texted me. He called and was all concerned that I might have had another panic attack because he hadn’t said anything to me for several hours. I was just fine, I hadn’t thought anything of it, I was busy doing things around the house. I wasn’t THAT ridiculous, we had just spent two days together. 

But talking on the phone that night, HE was unusually needy. He didn’t want me to hang up, he kept asking – pleading, really – for me to stay on longer. There was a bit of desperation in his voice that I had never heard before. It was sweet, but I didn’t know what was going on with him, he didn’t really give me a good explanation other than he needed to keep talking. He seemed fragile; I felt stronger than him. His behavior was stranger than my panic attack. 

– On maybe our second weekend together, I remember when we were sitting in bed, and he was staring at me and he said to me in a somber tone, “Don’t screw me over.” He was afraid that I would someday hurt him or betray him and his heart would be broken. 

He had no idea how far off base he was, and I assured him that I would never do that. I told him that he would do that to me before the other way around. His response was “It’s settled then” – indicating that we were both faithfully committed to each other and neither of us had anything to worry about. 

Did he really believe that? After what’s happened, I’m not sure he did, but I believed HIM, and that is what proved to be a mistake.   

– On his birthday when he told me how lucky he was to have me, I said “So am I” (about him), and he made a comment that I sounded sarcastic. Of course I was not being sarcastic at all (I gave him that card!), and I told him that I wasn’t. He had stated the accusation in kind of a jokingly way, so I thought nothing of it at the time, but since our breakup, I’ve wondered if that, too, was a little of his distrustful, insecure voice sneaking out. 

So all of this – the memories, the shattered dreams, the loss of the man I thought I was going to marry – this is what continually torments me. This is the emotional battle I face every day. 

I remember in that last terrible conversation when I told him how cold he was, he asserted to me that being cold and detached came with the territory with the kind of life he’s lived. 

But that’s not what I saw. I told him I had seen another side of him, one that wanted me with him. He won’t admit to that, but my heart can’t shake off its own truth.

I saw plenty of evidence that he had feelings for me, and one would think extremely strong feelings with everything he said and did. 

Or you could argue that it was more evidence of his mental health problems – that he didn’t know what he was doing and it was just superficial infatuation that he got carried away with and he rashly moved way too fast. 

For me, however, it was real. 

And I saw and felt the shift in his energy and mindframe. It came when everything was bearing down on him at once. I highly suspect that the deal fell through with selling the farm, and I think that destroyed him. I think there were so many things he didn’t want me to know about. 

So his heart went dead and he made me out to be someone I wasn’t so he could convince himself he needed to get rid of me. 

“A submissive follower that can’t handle any stress.”

I deliberately went to confront an angry, well-armed, mentally-ill Marine veteran, but yeah, I’m so afraid, submissive and can’t handle anything. That really describes me. 

“An adrift woman who’s done nothing with her life and has no aspirations.”

I do not describe myself in that way either, but it never occurred to him that the only reason we met is because of the way my life has gone (and his too) and BOTH of our struggles had brought us together. 

I don’t know what to do; I don’t know what belief or knowledge I’m supposed to gain from my “signs and synchronicities.” Obviously I don’t really expect him to listen to the wise words of Gunny Ermey and have a sudden epiphany about his “secret love” for me. I wish he could hear my prayers of him breaking free from the darkness that’s got a hold of him, but then again, he would probably just hate me for that too. 

I know the reality is that he very well could be dating someone else by now, or if he isn’t, it’s possible and I have to tell myself “probable” that he will be. Which I don’t want to think about, it makes me sick, I can’t deal with that thought in my head.

I just wish my gut feeling and the irrefutable truth could be clarified.

I need the impossible, all-telling sign. 

Because, frankly, I am at such a loss and I’m still so stuck in limbo with all of this.


4 Comments Add yours

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s