Another 13th. Another full moon. Another card reading.
If I’m starting to sound like a broken record, I apologize. There are things in this post I did not want to ramble on about again either.
I’m downing some caffeine and forcing myself to write up this blog.
I am so out of it. I feel drained.
Both physically and mentally.
It could be from a busy weekend helping my dad with his annual Halloween attraction-esque yard decorating. It could be menstrual fatigue. It could be from recently staying up later at night than I usually do, working away on one “visual art” project or another. Probably all of that, and then some.
I’ve been so much in the “creative zone” lately, and it’s been incredibly helpful with my trauma and depression, but sometimes my emotions still get the best of me. Just living with the sadness and the heartbreaking flashbacks that still replay in my mind makes life more exhausting than it should be.
There are still those low, dwelling days when I really don’t want to get out of bed.
But I always do and I make myself keep going and I look for these creative avenues to bring some kind of pleasure and enjoyment to my existence.
I’ve struggled so long with situational/circumstantial sadness. On top of that – anger from injustice, the effects of emotional abuse and abandonment, and the feeling I have no where I belong.
I just get so fucking sick of it all.
To move along with this post, I did do a full Hunter’s Moon card reading using my newest deck, Mai Irving’s “The Witches Oracle”. Below are my results.
Full Moon Spread:
1. Releasing: Things you should be letting go of in your life
Chance, possibility, change
2. Retaining: Things you should be holding close to you
Hard work ahead, upstream battle, a goal achieved
3. Receiving: Things that are coming into your life
Sustenance, respite, nourishment
4. Surroundings: How the world around you is affecting you
Journey, travel, possibilities
5. Giving: What you should be giving to others
Creativity, repair, improvement
6. Beginning: Something new that will begin soon
Neglect, inattention, distraction
7. Your lesson: What you should be learning at this point
Progress, an achievement, a halfway point
My thoughts and struggle with intuition on “this matter”:
Like I said, I don’t want to be a broken record and keep repeating myself about my ex-boyfriend. This is why I didn’t want to do this post.
I think I really have come a long way since my “Gaia” readings, but I have some more things I need to get off my chest and put out there for the universe. I’m not supposed to be speculating, but that doesn’t mean others who read this can’t.
And because, frankly, mixed (supernatural) signals are frustrating as hell.
First off, I want to address this card reading. I assume the first card, The Wishbone, is telling me I shouldn’t be wishing for a chance or a possibility that my ex will ever contact me again. This isn’t the first time a card has signified to let it go.
And I get it, I understand the apparent circumstances, I see the stupidity in it all. I’ve also been doing my best to stop my heartache, confusion, and grief from consuming me. It may seem like I’m taking two steps back with this post, but just let me get through it; I’m still trying to retain a “higher perspective” here.
Card 2. The Fish. I do feel very proud of myself for how I’ve managed all these months. I have accomplished a lot creatively and I’ve been so occupied with this website; it has kind of spun me into other aesthetic endeavors and emotional outlets.
Card 3. The Bread. I so desperately need respite and nourishment for my soul, and they couldn’t be any more welcome to come into my life.
Card 4. The creator of this card deck made a note that these card descriptions should be taken as “guidelines” and you should go with your own intuition if you’re getting a different interpretation. I believe The Cartwheel has a much more literal meaning for me and represents my feeling of being turned upside down and spinning with emotion.
Card 5. The Needle is an interesting card for “Giving.” I say this because I’ve been repeatedly getting messages advising that I should help others. I would love to do that, but I don’t know in what context – what form – these messages are referring to.
Card 6. Like the incident with my first “Gaia” reading, The Spiderweb dropped out of my deck while starting to shuffle the cards. As I slid it back in and continued to mix them up, I was thinking “What if The Spiderweb showed up in my spread?” And then of course, it did. I don’t know what it’s referring to either, besides maybe I’ll find an even bigger distraction from my depressing thoughts.
Card 7. The Milestone. “My lesson.” I’m still trying to understand what the lesson is I’m being taught and if anything extraordinary will come out of it. I still debate whether it’s linked to “power of intuition” or “Here’s another example of a sociopath male who doesn’t give a shit about you.”
I would actually like to clarify that I don’t normally doubt my intuition; I’m a very self-assured woman and I believe I’m damn good at reading into things and people. It’s this kind of case – my own personal relationship with someone who went against his previous sincere words and actions. It’s like “forced doubt” because I have to “accept” what I don’t think is true, but his new, frozen heart insists I’m wrong, and there’s nothing I can do about it.
When someone seems like two different people, you experience two different sides and two different ways they feel about you. That created such stormy seas for the “HMS Intuition.” That is where the doubt and conflicting “good and bad” dreams come from.
And then there’s those synchronicities that like to play mind games with me. I mentioned in August how I was still seeing them and might have to share my new recordings, but I decided not to; I threw out my notes and wanted to just get them out of my mind.
It helped. Somewhat.
The synchronicities kept happening, but not as often. What they lacked in quantity, they made up for in quality, however.
Because I trashed my “log”, I’m only going to share my accounts of the occurrences that really stick out in my mind.
August 1st, for example: I received another Facebook friend request from a very random female. She had barely anything on her page (just two pictures of herself); I don’t know if she was a bot or a real person. Again, I have no idea why she sent me a request. Looking at her public friends list, it was clear that it largely consisted of people in the dog-training community. Nothing on her own almost-blank page was dog-related, but a good chunk of her “friends” were trainers, breeders, etc. – it was a dog-training ring. How the hell is it possible that I got ANOTHER friend request from someone linked to what my ex-boyfriend does. I am not apart of that community, I do not associate with any other trainers. Just like back in May, I did not accept the friend request.
August 2nd – In my Facebook news feed, I saw a page’s post that said “Synchronicity: A wink from the universe.”
I don’t typically see anything mentioning “synchronicity”, that was probably the only post I’ve seen about it on Facebook. And it felt so cruel and frustrating; more mind games is the last thing I need.
September 8th – This date I definitely remember because my mom had the movie Man on Fire going on the TV and the channel kept showing commercials that represented my ex-boyfriend. The first one I saw was about service dogs for veterans. I didn’t stay in the room to watch the rest of the movie, but I could still hear the military commercials going on – one specifically about Marines and another about the mental health of veterans. Everything was my dog-training, mentally-ill Marine veteran ex-boyfriend. And this was the antenna version of the BET channel for goodness sake. Even the movie Man on Fire was about Denzel Washington’s character being a body guard for a little girl; my ex had told me that years ago he was a bodyguard for a little girl of a very wealthy family.
It was all too much for me. But I just had to try to block it out and keep my cool.
October 11th – The very recent occurrence from just this past Friday.
On the way home from my dad’s house, driving toward an intersection, I saw the SUV in front me had decals advertising a dog-training and grooming business. I also noticed the round blue and red emblem on the license plate and I thought to myself, “There is no way this person is a Marine too.”
Getting close enough at the stoplight, I could see the plate and the “U.S. Marines” frame around it.
Yes, a dog-training Marine.
I’m really trying to keep my shit together, but I can’t pretend like it’s not still difficult to see these things – these constant reminders of him and all my concerns about his well-being. I feel like I’ve been making a lot of progress and it’s as if the universe still wants to be play cruel jokes on me.
I just continue to hope and pray that a purpose will come out of all this someday; that maybe the signs and synchronicities will be explained. I don’t want to be tortured and tormented, I want the kind of peace that healing brings.
Speaking of which, I’d like to close out this blog by sharing a beautifiul, soulful project by a fellow WordPresser. It is called “A Vase of Healing” and it’s being created by The Alchemist’s Studio. I’ve contributed part of my own soul and story to this collaboration, and for anyone else going through a difficult time, this might be something you’d be interested in. It struck a chord with me because I feel so strongly about emotional and mental health and it’s so important to get our stories out there and be heard. We need the release and the relief and to let someone else know they are in our thoughts. I think it’s a wonderful project to be involved in, be sure to check it out.
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