One of the most terrifying things about life is how fast time flies.
It’s scary to think about how it feels like 2019 just recently got here and we’re already at the tail end of November.
It scares me even more knowing that every year seems to go by quicker and quicker, and every late December and January I become extremely anxious because I dread the repeat of the previous twelve months.
The dark end of the year is supposed to be a period of self-reflection, of looking inward and, in witches’ terms, performing “shadow work.”
Being an introvert, I am always in my head thinking about my personal issues, my projects, my dreams, and analyzing the psychological motives and behavior of others.
So my mind is quite often in a “dark, contemplative” place. As I’ve mentioned in other blogs, I have spent the majority of 2019 in a black hole of emotional hell.
Needless to say, it’s not a position I want to stay in.
I would like this winter to snowball me into a bright, fiery drive of positive change, job opportunities, and Yule cheer (lol, if that’s possible). Some real fun wouldn’t hurt either.
Last Monday, November 11th (which of course is Veteran’s Day; thank you to our military veterans) was dubbed the “most powerful day of manifestation” for the 11:11 synchronicity and because of the following night’s “extremely emotional” full moon. It was advised to be the ideal time to set forth into motion your intent and your goals – to manifest your dreams and desires into reality.
After work that day, I went to one of our local metaphysical/witchcraft shops and I bought four new stones that I wanted to add to my collection and specifically use in my attempt to manifest. That night I burned some horrible-smelling incense (I’ve never really been a fan) and I purified all my stones and crystals before going into my manifestation thoughts and prayers. I did the best I could, I put it out there for the universe in my own way. And I’ve kept my favorite stones with me in a pouch since my ritual. My manifestation/magickal charm bag.
I don’t know what will become of it, but while the world works its magick in its mysterious ways, I’ve also been making some changes to my website. I no longer have a “My Home & Garden” page; it was blank anyway and just seemed unnecessary since I have blog posts that show my garden. That’s a page I would like to have if I could ever have my own home and really had something beautiful to showcase. It’s definitely not what I live in now.
I also removed the “Gypsy/Mystical Realm” page. I honestly still have so much to learn and work on before I should be going into all those topics I had listed. I don’t want to overwhelm myself with site pages, it’s really this personal blog that is my main focus.
It’s funny because I wasn’t originally planning on the mystical, metaphysical portion to be such a big part of my website, and then it just kind of took over.
Weird shit keeps happening, that’s why.
And I guess I can’t keep my witchy ways from seeping out of me. It’s just something I’ve always been drawn to, I’m so much about “earthy femininity”, and a beautiful witch represents the ultimate woman in my eyes.
Anyway, I’ve been trying to develop all these positive thoughts and looking for public events I can get involved in that might lead me somewhere. It does get very disappointing and discouraging though, and I had another one of my exhausted, mentally-strained low moods the other day.
There’s just not much that appeals to me.
There’s also something else that has got my mind a bit unsettled and bothered.
I’ve been keeping it inside my own head for the past month, but I’m feeling weird and confused and I don’t like how I’m being affected.
In October, there were some guys from a HVAC company working next door to my dad’s house. They were working there for a couple weeks maybe; I think they were re-insulating the entire home, and I don’t know what else, I’m just guessing.
I saw them there at the neighbor’s house when I would drive over to my dad’s, and of course at that time my dad’s front yard and porch looked like a Halloween horror attraction.
What’s bothering me so much is the fact that one of the guys really caught my attention; there was something about him that was so strikingly similar to my ex-boyfriend, it just kind of stunned me. It’s very ridiculous and I hate myself for saying I had to resist the urge to stare at him and watch him. I did not let myself look too much at him, and the only words I recall us saying to each other were his “Very nice” (about the Halloween decorating) and my “Thank you.”
There was nothing else for me to go on, and yet his looks and the way he talked made me automatically think of my ex, it was so strange. It makes me wonder if I was just seeing things and somehow created some delusion. As if I’m looking for my ex-boyfriend in someone that’s not him. Or I’ve gone so far off the deep end that I’m trying to materialize him into thin air and appear in the same vicinity I’m in?
That’s a joke, I don’t seriously believe in those theories, I still have my logic and sense of mind.
Maybe this HVAC guy just had a very strong familiarity to me because he’s the kind of man I’m attracted to. And I don’t want to say I’m attracted to him; obviously I’m not trying to date anyone or feel like I can in my emotional state. But this is mixing me up because I can’t get this guy out of my head. And I don’t even know anything about him, besides the company he works for and that he appreciates Halloween decor.
It’s just straight up bothering me. I don’t need a random man on the brain that is giving me major vibes of the one that traumatized me so badly. I’m still trying to deal with it all and come to terms that my ex was looking for a clone of himself the whole time, despite his words in the beginning that made me feel wanted and accepted for who I am. There were clues early on that he wanted to mold me into a war buddy – a military brother instead of a woman – I just didn’t take it literally until the end when his bizarre ideas, contradictions, and mental illness really came out.
I’ll always be sympathetic, but my anger from being insulted and belittled will rage on as well.
I don’t know what it’s going to take to make me believe that not all men would treat me this way.
There is absolutely no trust there.
But here I am still attempting to move forward in life and find somewhere I belong.
I’m not sure if I’ll be posting again this month, things will get busier with the holiday season, and I need to get myself to start my Christmas shopping. In case this is my last blog of November, Happy Thanksgiving, everyone.
An autumn afternoon at the cemetery
A scenic fall hike
Also, a big thank you for visiting my blog!