Another Heartbreak for the End of the Year

I don’t even know how to start this post. 

I don’t want to start it, for one thing.

With what has happened in the past few weeks, I have lost the desire to write rather than being compelled to it. 

It’s a matter of having so much to say and so little emotional strength left to do it. Right now it’s more of an obligation because I feel like I should give the rest of the story to what was going on with me in October and November. 

In my last blog, I reluctantly brought up the fact that I had a new guy on my mind – one that I couldn’t get out of my head since that day I first saw him in mid-October.
At first I thought it was because he made me think of my ex-boyfriend, and I refused to believe I was actually attracted to this strange man.
I knew he was the type I was attracted to, I just didn’t want to let myself say it or even think that I was feeling anything for him. 
Well, that backfired and did not work out well at all, because once my sister read my blog, she knew what was happening to me. Just like I had felt, she told me that as soon as she saw that HVAC guy, she knew that he was exactly the type I go for, and she too believed he was attracted to me and that he wanted to get my attention. She just hadn’t said anything to me about it because she, like me, thought I was still so hung up on my ex.
I still did not want to admit that I was helplessly, crazy-attracted to him; it was not easy for me to confess. But after a few days and conversations with my sister, I felt like I had to do something, I couldn’t stand the thought of never seeing him again and just always wondering about him.
So I did what my bold, risk-taking self does and on November 24th, I messaged the Facebook of the HVAC company he works for.
I explained how I had seen one of their guys the month before working next door to my dad’s house – that this man had spoken to me and I couldn’t get him out of my head. I gave my contact information to be passed along to this man if he was single and interested in me. 
I really wasn’t sure what kind of response I would get. I don’t know how often women contact a business and request one of their men instead of an actual HVAC service. 
But this company’s HR lady turned out to be very helpful, and after a couple days, she was able to track down my mystery man and relay the information to him.
He definitely remembered me; he sent me a text right away that afternoon on November 26th, with a predictable “Hey Halloween lady.” I just knew that was coming.
And he was very surprised that I had contacted his work to get in touch with him; he said he was afraid that I had called and complained about him when the HR lady first mentioned me. 

We talked in texts for the next few days of the work week, learning more about each other.
I found out that he’s a divorced, single father of two kids, and that they live with their mother.
I gave him some insight into what I’ve been going through this year, and we traded back and forth more about our personalities and interests. 

That Friday night on the 29th we had our first date, spending a cold and misty evening at a local museum’s Winter Festival.
He showed up with a red rose for me – that was so sweet and surprising.
We walked all around the museum grounds, talking, looking at the Christmas lights, asking questions and learning even more surprising facts and stunning coincidences about each other. He would want to stop at spots, pull me aside and have a little more privacy for certain topics. He would constantly steer me and keep me from walking into puddles. He was a gentleman in all the right ways. And at the same time, we had so much fun teasing and making fun of each other.
We went through the whole museum like that – effortlessly conversing, insulting the terrible artwork, laughing, and still asking our questions. We looked at everything, we even did some kiddie arts and crafts together.
It felt so natural to be with him. Even with my emotional trauma and the fears down inside me, being with him put me at ease. I just had so much fun with him. 
After about three hours together and the museum closing, he wanted the date to continue and he suggested going to play pool somewhere. And I really wanted to stay with him, but I told him that I had to get back to my neighbors’ dogs because I was dogsitting for them. 
We lingered there in the parking lot by my car, neither one of us seeming to want to say goodbye. He brought up the notion of kissing me, but he said he could tell that I wanted to wait until a second or third date.
The idea (which of course had been on my mind as well) did make me shy away a bit and I told him that I was scared. He asked for a hug instead and I said I would try that. He gave me a sweet, comforting hug and let me keep holding onto him. He didn’t let go either; I guess he knew I needed it. 
We did eventually let go. I must have still looked sad and he wanted to know what I was thinking/feeling; I told him it was just very strange to be doing this again with someone else.
I also let him know that I definitely wanted to see him again; he felt the same.
He requested one more hug and he held me even tighter, and with my arms wrapped around his neck, he said soothingly, “You’re a sweet person.”
It was another long embrace of me clinging onto him, but we finally released each other and said goodbye. I left and went home, feeling the best I had felt this whole year. 

I had not planned on seeing him again until later in the week, but the very next morning while I was in the middle of grocery shopping, he spontaneously texted me asking if I wanted to have a picnic lunch at the Tulsa Gathering Place park that afternoon.
It was very unexpected, but I loved that he asked me and wanted to see me again so soon.
So later that day I met up with him at the park. It was too windy out so we had to eat inside a building, but we found a good spot to give us more privacy. He brought finger food: sushi, grapes, crackers with forgotten cheese. We ate and talked and joked around with each other. For the rest of the date, he showed me around parts of the park I had never seen and I didn’t even know were there. We went through the kids’ playground “castle”, I showed him the garden area I liked, he took me inside a mini museum and we looked at everything in it. Once again, we walked and talked all over the place. And just like the first date, he was always guiding me – always looking out for me and “protecting” me in a sort of way. Like he doesn’t trust my own ability to walk. I don’t know, it’s almost as if he thinks it’s his job to look out for me. I assume it’s the father in him and he’s used to doing it with his kids – his paternal instinct. Whatever it is, I find it super sweet and attractive as hell. 
We ended the second date with another hug. He squeezed me so hard, he knocked my sunglasses off; I’ve never been held so tight in my life. 
He apologized for being “too enthusiastic”, but I loved it, and he had given me another amazing day.

Our third date wasn’t until a week later, on this last Saturday of December 7th. 
He had wanted me to pick where to go, and I came up with the idea that I would make a picnic brunch for us and a scavenger hunt to do while hiking at Turkey Mountain.
He really loved my idea and he told me that he was excited about it. I was too and I couldn’t wait for it.
On Saturday morning, I made us some incredible panini sandwiches, packed them up with some fresh fruit and drinks, and met him at Turkey Mountain. He was super impressed with the brunch I created and the scavenger hunt I had put together.
After we ate, we walked the trail, looking for our scavenger items and playing with each other as usual. We talked about different things, poked mushrooms, he kept going on about the giant rocks. 
When we finished that trail, we still had several items unchecked on our scavenger list, so I suggested doing another, shorter trail to see what we could find. On our way back to the parking lot to take a bathroom break, I was rubbing my lips with my finger. He was watching me and he said that I had pretty lips – lips that I wouldn’t let him kiss. 
I didn’t say anything, I just stayed quiet.

The next trail was going along like the first – chatting, “scavenging”, flirty banter.
We came across a spot with a “log bridge” off to the side of the path. He stepped onto it and started walking to the other end so I followed after him. I remember him turning around and taking my hand to help me balance, and the rest after that is kind of a blur. 
I know what happened, it’s just almost like a dream and I can’t think straight enough to remember the exact order or detail of everything. It was that surreal.
It started with one of our tight, sweet hugs, I know that. And he kissed me on the forehead in that comforting, protective way of his. But quickly it moved to him kissing my lips and all hell broke loose. Compared to our other dates I mean.
There’s no doubt it was a long-awaited makeout session for both of us.
Holy shit though. It was becoming a little “hot and heavy.” I started getting concerned about where it was going; he was kissing my neck, his hand was going down inside the back of my pants and up inside my shirt. He even yanked my hair back to kiss more of my neck.
I was really thinking “Are we about to have sex on this log?”
I really don’t know how far he would have taken it if I didn’t tell him we had to stop. 
Surely he knew better, we were in public after all. 
Following that log makeout-almost-turned-porno, I was a little lightheaded and dazed. 
And not too long after that, we found another big, tilted log to climb up. I followed him again and we took a seat at the top. I sat right in front of him and he wrapped his arms around me and held me close. He kissed my head again. I turned my face towards him and he kissed my lips. We sat there for a little bit, looking like a cute, cozy couple. I felt like he was mine.
I laughed a little bit out loud because I couldn’t believe what was happening with the HVAC guy I had been stunned by months before and didn’t think I’d ever see again. 
We finished the trail, but still didn’t get our scavenger hunt completed. I had him write out his comments on his “scavenger hunt experience” just for fun, and this is what he wrote:

“My scavenger hunt at first was great, but the lack of seed pods & pinecones got my spirit down. But my lovely scavenger guide turned that around. An experience you only get once. The log ride was amazing.”

We talked about wanting future dates and he wanted to plan something to top my idea.
And we ended that day’s sexy and sweet adventure with more hugs and kisses before saying goodbye. I was in such high spirits, that became the new best day of my year.
He told me later in texts how amazing everything was that day.

The next morning on Sunday, he sent me a picture of a squirrel he had seen, wanting me to “X” it off the scavenger hunt – he still wanted to play. He sent another picture of two squirrels, saying “See them. That’s me chasing you.”

So we did some back-and-forth texts/pics of our scavenger finds, and I did it again the next day – Monday the 9th. He was responding, but stopped in the afternoon and I didn’t get anything else from him for the rest of the day or night. He never texted late at night, or at least not on work week nights, but I thought maybe he would say a little something before he went to sleep.
I just let it be though, I would talk to him the next day. 

Tuesday morning I got on Facebook and I saw a post he was tagged in Monday night by some girl; it was pictures of gingerbread houses that they worked on together I guess? I didn’t know who this female was to him, so that bothered me. 
I texted him asking about scavenger hunt related stuff and he responded and then he said “Good morning” to me. I said “Good morning” back, but then I had to ask about the female from the tagged post. I also let him know that if he was dating multiple women, I was not okay with that and I couldn’t be a part of it. 
I meant “dating” as in seeing someone and going on a series of dates, not actually being an official couple yet because I knew he and I were not. 

His response was “I’m not dating anyone. And I understand. I do keep my options open while I’m single, yes.”

That didn’t make sense to me, because it sounded like he didn’t think of what he was doing with me as dating.
We had three dates, but he wasn’t dating me? We almost had sex on a log and he wasn’t dating me? Even as just the verb “dating”, not the label for a boyfriend/girlfriend couple relationship? 
I don’t know what qualifies as “dating” to him.

And then the “keep my options open” just tore up my heart. That was it.
Two weeks of excitement and romance with a man who had captured me months before without even realizing it, and it all came crashing down. I sunk inside.
I did what I had to do and I replied to him:

“I really, really like you and I have such a good time with you. But I don’t want to be an “option.”  I don’t want to be “friends with benefits.”  When a man kisses me and hugs me the way you did, I expect to be a hell of a lot more than an “option” to him, I don’t care how short of time we’ve known each other. That’s way too close and intimate to be “keeping options open”/wanting to see other people. It’s just wrong to me. And it’s very painful. After all the bullshit I’ve been through, I won’t put up with guys playing with my heart. I know I’m the one who hunted you down, I’m the one with the more intense emotions here. Because I felt something with you that day you spoke to me. Which is why this hurts me so badly, because I like you too much. I can’t have you kiss me like that and hug me so tightly and you not know your intentions with me. I have to say goodbye.”

He came back with a short and unemotional “I understand and I am sorry.”

And that was the end of it. 

That was three days ago and the pain and shock has hit me with heartache and feelings of numbness once again.
The difference is that I’m the one who ended things with a guy this time; I had to because he made me feel rejected, misled and betrayed. Even if it was just from my own assumption of our situation and how I believe dating should work.
After our last time together, I expected him to be asking me to be his girlfriend on our next date, and instead I found out that he wanted to “keep his options open” and see other women. 
I wouldn’t have been okay with him seeing other women anyway, but I think he crossed the line on our last date. 

It makes me sick, it makes me angry, it breaks my heart. 

And I just don’t understand it. 
I really thought there was so much more between us and that we had a special relationship blossoming. A “magickal connection” even. 

Thinking about several of the things he did completely confuses and baffles me:
Bringing me that rose. 
Thanking me for contacting his work and reaching out to him because he was unable to do it with me.
Telling me that he saw or thought of something that made him think of me and my opinion on it, so I know I was popping up in his mind.
Always holding me so tight.
Asking me multiple questions related to having kids. 

He asked me in the first couple days of texting how I felt about kids and I told him how depressing it’s been for me to get older and be unmarried with no children. He asked me the same question on our first date and I told him he had already asked and I had answered, but he wanted me to answer again. He said that I would have a husband and kids someday – the same response he had given in texts.
On our second date while we were eating lunch and some nearby kids were running around, he jokingly said to me with a smile, “You really want one of those?” I told him “Maybe five.” Which he mistakenly heard as “85.”
At the end of that date when we were waiting on the street crosswalk signal to walk back to my car, he randomly asked me if I had baby names picked out and he wanted to know them. I told him my ideas and he liked my names. 

The “baby name” question is probably the strangest thing of them all.
That and him thinking it was okay to ravage me in the woods and then be an unfeeling, heartless jackass who didn’t want to be serious with me.

It feels like another case of a guy’s cruel “hot and cold” behavior. 

I can’t get over the way he hugged me and held me so tight. My ex-boyfriend didn’t even hug me quite like that – no one ever has.
It’s hard to believe how he could seem so sweet and so into me, and then just turn it off and go emotionless.

Then again, this has been the story of my life – the broken record of my existence.

I really like this guy, but he has hurt me and let me down very badly.
What he did makes me question the integrity of his entire being.
And I won’t go against my morals and standards or be apart of a dating style I completely despise. 
It’s not my character, it’s just not my nature. I don’t work that way. 

I bitterly posted the following on my Facebook page the other day:

I just found an article on “Reasons Why Most Men Can’t Handle A Deep Woman”

Reasons such as:

– “A deep woman is honest. Too honest – often blunt. A deep woman takes her integrity seriously and one thing she believes in is honesty.”

– “A deep woman knows what she wants. Or WHO she wants. A deep woman knows right away if she likes you and doesn’t need to date around or explore her other options to be sure of her feelings. Her heart only beats for a special few people and she knows them right away.”

– “A deep woman wants a deep relationship. She wants to hear stories about your past, she wants to understand your pain and she wants to add value to your life. She wants a real relationship that goes beyond going out and having fun.”

– “A deep woman sees through you. She can see who you really are and what makes you vulnerable. She is not the one to hold back from pointing out what she sees in you or how well she can read you. Even though it makes you uncomfortable, she wants you to know that she understands you and that you can be yourself around her.”

– “A deep woman craves consistency. She gets turned off by inconsistency or flaky behavior. She desires a strong connection and a solid bond and she knows that consistency is the foundation of that bond. A deep woman will not participate in the dating games.”

– “A deep woman is intense. She may be slightly intimidating because she brings intensity to everything she does. Her emotions are intense and so are her thoughts. She will never be indifferent about things that matter to her – not everyone is strong enough to handle her intensity.”

– “A deep woman only knows how to love deeply. If you can’t love her deeply, she will walk away. She doesn’t know how to casually date someone she’s really into or be friends with someone she has feelings for.”

When I think I can’t possibly be any more insulted or rejected by men, it turns out my whole personality type is the real kicker.

It is so nice to know that the traits that I think should be most valued and desired in a human being are what make me forgettable, insignificant, and unworthy to the male species.
And as for them just being scared off or intimidated…I don’t know how they actually even call themselves “men.”
If a guy “can’t handle” ANY of the things on the above list, he is nothing but a weak piece of shit.

The cowards I have come across in my life, it just staggers me.

What I’m currently going through isn’t exactly a situation I’ve been in before, but it’s still hurting me the same, and I’ll never understand the hot-and-cold behavior of guys. There are things you just can’t do to a woman. Especially a DEEP, INTENSE woman. It’s just cruel.

If I haven’t mentioned lately how much I hate humans, I’ll say it again: I HATE HUMANS. AND THEIR STUPID, TERRIBLE, WHORE WAYS.

I feel ready to get a job where all I do is play with and take care of animals that need to be loved.”

I hate that I’m right back to where I was at the beginning of the year. Back to asking the universe “WHY? WHY DID HE DO THIS TO ME?” 

Why a man would ever think this is acceptable to do to a woman. 

I said at the start of this post that I didn’t have the desire to write, but once I opened the floodgates, there was no turning back. 

I probably won’t be posting again for the remainder of this month though, I need time to deal with my emotions. 

I hope everyone else has a Blessed Yule, a Merry Christmas, and a Happy New Year.

~November and December Photos~

“Spirit Doll” I created at a Spirit Doll Workshop in late November

Photos I took at Tulsa’s Southwood Nursery in early December

Decorating at my dad’s house


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