Working Through Strange Times: Emotions, Uncertainties & Life Goals

The Coronavirus.

Everyone is talking about it.
It’s the favorite topic of news and social media, and the panicked motivation behind the toilet paper craze.

A pandemic that has “taken over the world” in every sense of the phrase.

We’ve seen a dumbfounding amount of ridiculous behavior resulting from this “unprecedented event”, and it’s been giving us a good supply of entertainment, meme material and dark humor.

All jokes aside though, tragic deaths are (allegedly) occurring, possibly-unrecoverable businesses are on hiatus, and many people’s lives have been turned upside down.

These are just very weird, very strange times we’re in.

For me personally, not much has changed – as far as lifestyle circumstances go.
I’ve experienced the shortage and out-of-stock items (fortunately not toilet paper) at the grocery store, but that’s about it.
I already live a very socially-distanced life; I already spend most of my time at home or in nature.
And I just do housekeeping work for a local family and for my aunt; I’m still going every week until I’m told otherwise.

What does create a lot of uncertainty is the fact that the quarantine situations are getting worse everywhere, and if Oklahoma does issue a stay-at-home order, there are some things I don’t know what I’m going to do about…like going in for my eye exam next month and buying my new year’s supply of contact lenses so I can see!

I honestly wouldn’t be surprised if every state does end up telling everyone to stay at home – this past Wednesday we had the first Coronavirus death in our state and it was right here in Tulsa. I’m sure that created more panic for the people who were already nervous or felt at risk.
It’s also not encouraging that the man that died was supposedly in “great health” and it’s been said that those in good health most likely would not succumb to the virus.

Again, things are really weird right now.
But it’s not “COVID-19” that I’m afraid of.

I don’t worry about contracting the virus, I’ve just been going through more anxiety lately because of this bizarre, almost apocalyptic-type scenario and what it’s doing to my emotions.

I already said a little something about these feelings in my early March post – about resurfacing sadness, worries and heaviness in my heart. And of course still that confusion, anger and disgust.
These conflicting emotions never completely went away, but they made a real comeback in February, definitely making me feel more down and negatively-distracted.
And now with the state of the world and the uncertainty really picking up this month, anxious thoughts have only increased within me.
I know I have to process these thoughts and emotions, not suppress or ignore them.
I have to work through them.
And the best way is for me to talk about them.

I am fully aware that my conflicting feelings are all connected to the HVAC man I wrote about late last year.
I believe the lingering “blocks” I have continue to remain due to both my outraged disapproval of his behavior and my persistent heartache for him.
And the more months that go by seem to reaffirm his indifference for me; it’s a thought that really hurts me because of how much I still like him and miss him.
This March anxiety comes from how disconnected and closed off I feel from him, with him making no contact whatsoever since the day I said goodbye to him in December.
Obviously that pains me greatly me because I already wanted him to quit being a dumbass and say something to me, but especially with what is happening now.
Him not reaching out is what is making this time emotionally-difficult for me.

Ironically, when I looked back at my “Wheel of Fortune” reading from New Year’s, the card I pulled for February was The Raven.
Why is that relevant?
Because the Raven card is an omen or warning of ill portent. It means darkness looms on the horizon.
I think this card was foretelling both the return of my heavy heart and wayward thoughts, and also the global outbreak of the Coronavirus pandemic.

For March, I pulled The Gate.
“The Gate represents an unavoidable obstacle that stands between you and your goal. The Gate may not be opened without the proper key, however, once unlocked, it leads to a desirable place.”
On a personal level, this card is probably referring to my inner “resistance” – the blocks I mentioned above. Unless I can remove the remaining negative energy, it will be an obstacle in manifesting.
But a depiction of a locked gate is also very appropriate for this month and the increasing quarantines, with the possibility of an entire world lockdown.

April gave me The Harlequin.
“The Harlequin is an actor whose true feelings are masked in order to gain acceptance. At times the Harlequin is a prankster whose sense of humor and playful acts make him the center of attention. However the Harlequin may also be concealing a sadness derived from loneliness or a broken heart.”
In a conversation with my sister days ago, we trailed into talking about our card readings and I brought up my Fortune one. When she asked what card I got for April and I told her about the Harlequin and the meaning, she assumed I pinned it to Mr. HVAC.
I wasn’t exactly doing that, but I definitely believe there is a lot more to his actions and his thought process than meets the eye.
I don’t want to get into a super-long analytical essay, but the “psychologist/behavioral profiler” in me does have some things to say that I did not add to my blog in December.

From my New Year’s fortune reading: “The Raven” for February, “The Gate” for March, and “The Harlequin” for April

There were a lot of things I noticed and picked up on in the short time I spent with this man.
Things that, while they don’t make an excuse for him hurting me, explain a bit why he is the way he is.

One important piece of knowledge I learned from both the breakup with my ex-boyfriend and my experience with the HVAC guy is how common and how serious men’s identity struggles are.

“If it wasn’t for the car we drive, the title attaching itself to our name on the business card, the amount of money we make, things we store in our idol garage, or the people we hang out with inside of our lifeboat, we men might not have an identity to speak of.”

That was a quote I recently came across online specifically about men and their identities.

I sincerely believe this is the reality for most men, and it’s actually very eye-opening and troubling.

It’s sad, to put it simply.

And it’s not to say that women don’t have their own share of identity crises (I’ve been accused of it myself by my ex; you can be the judge of that), but I guess I think these types of things are more debilitating for men. Because most aren’t good at processing these kind of internal issues and emotions. And I do believe it affects the decisions they make. Or perhaps a lack of them.

When it comes to my assessment of the HVAC man, I feel he has been struggling with his own identity and his place in society for a very long time, if not the majority of his life.
I got the sense that he’s still trying to find himself – that he hasn’t figured himself out yet.

Several factors contribute to my belief:
– Things he told me about his past. (Including a criminal record, but I won’t go into any more details than that; there are some bits of information I don’t feel right sharing on my public website, which is why I’ve never even given this man’s first name or my ex-boyfriend’s either on my blog. I don’t because we are not currently involved.)
– The way he said he was looking to get into new hobbies. (As though he hasn’t really established any for himself.)
– The way he said he was trying to figure out his viewpoints on politics and whatnot.
(On our last date, he brought up a campaign commercial he saw and said he was thinking of me and my opinion on it. That was sweet for him to think of me, but at the same time it showed his lack of an opinionated mind. He doesn’t know where he stands on anything, or it seems very little.)
– He has very strange, childlike handwriting full of completely random uppercase and lowercase letters. (In handwriting analysis, this type of writing signifies “inner chaos.”)
– He seemed insecure, self-conscious and ashamed of some things. (It isn’t exactly a clue that a man is “still finding himself” but I got the impression he was embarrassed about his car and didn’t want me to see it, which I never did. He made it clear that he resents wealthy people. Also, I think he felt like he needed money for dates and didn’t want to tell me that he didn’t have enough. I let him know that dates didn’t need to cost money and I could have fun doing anything with him. I never wanted to make him feel inadequate. I had the best time with him on our dates; he had no reason to be worried. He had me at “Very nice.”)
– He’s too nice for his own good in a lot of ways; he lets himself be a “doormat” at times.
(He would get stuck behind because he would hold open the door for me AND for everyone else. He had an eccentric, freeloading roommate getting on his nerves, but obviously still considered a friend. He got in trouble in one of his past jobs for letting call-recipients make smaller payments on their bills/debt collections/whatever it was. He seems to have a really big heart, but these “pushover” traits are very common in people with identity struggles. They have trouble making firm statements because they can’t form firm opinions. They can’t exude a strong, dominating presence to others when they don’t have a strong, dominating sense of self.)

Okay, so that last part about a strong presence isn’t always true because confused, un-self-aware people aren’t necessarily shy, meek wisps. Some are the opposite, even obnoxious.
The HVAC guy is not shy and he has so much personality – I was drawn to it, and the energy and chemistry between us is why he’s been in my head since I first saw him in October.
He knew how to get my attention, even in a very subtle way.
In fact, I suspect that’s where most of his (or only) confidence lies – in his physical attraction, charm and seduction/bedroom skills. I believe he, like many males I’m sure, seeks attention from women to feel more masculine, more worthy, more “high-ranking” to a degree.
Mix that with his weak sense of self and he’s a fun, flirty, charming bad boy with no idea of what he really wants or where he wants to go.

My sister recently was trying to think of the name “Benedict Arnold”; she couldn’t remember what it was and I had to tell her.
I don’t forget because when I hear the name “Benedict Arnold”, I automatically think of the movie Runaway Bride and the part near the end when Julia Roberts randomly says “Benedict” and Richard Gere assumes “Arnold?”
In the scene, Julia Roberts is actually making her declaration that she loves Eggs Benedict because there’s a theme in the movie that she’s so unsure of herself, she doesn’t even know what kind of eggs she likes.
I don’t think I’ve watched my Runaway Bride DVD in years, but right after bringing up Benedict Arnold with my sister, I couldn’t help but think about Julia Roberts’ character in the movie.
She’s spunky, full of personality and wit, charms and attracts men one after the other.
But she also runs from commitment, is oblivious to how she hurts others, and has no idea who she really is.
She takes on the tastes of whatever man she’s dating/engaged to and has no preferences of her own.
For someone who seems so full of life and feistiness, she easily loses herself in relationships.
Her identity crisis is the true conflict in the story. She has to find herself before she can be with the right man.

It may be a fictional plotline, but it really does amaze and baffle me that there are people who just don’t know themselves.
And as I’ve said, I do feel I was involved with someone who has long been experiencing that struggle.

I was charmed by a sweet, playful, warm, funny, gorgeous man and then I was brokenhearted when he let himself lose me and he just threw it all away.

That’s a very difficult and painful “block” for me to clear.

I wanted to express all of these thoughts and feelings because I’d like to be seen beyond a pathetic woman that once again won’t let go of a guy that doesn’t seem to give a shit about her.
Anyone who has been following my blog since the beginning knows I am very emotionally-driven, and I have to tell things the way I feel and sense from my intuition.

That concludes my psychological essay on the HVAC guy.
I’m sorry, I just felt guided to get more of my experience out in a blog and release some tensions.

I don’t have too much more to say, but in other news, I recently contacted a psychic medium asking if she was at all interested in having an apprentice or assistant for her business.
I haven’t spent much time with her or seen her in several years, but back in 2009 I actually did assist her with a wedding she officiated by taking photos of the ceremony. I heard the married couple liked my photos more than the professional photographer’s.
So anyway, Anna – the psychic medium – responded well to my message and hopefully we will actually get a chance to get together. As of now, I have no idea when.

I’ve just been wanting to get more involved in the metaphysical field for several years.
I don’t necessarily want to be a medium, but I want to learn from a mentor to develop my psychic skills, delve into energy healing, and perhaps even start my own mystical, metaphysical business focusing on spiritual wellness, nature therapy and intuitive power.
I re-added my “Gypsy Corner” page on this website, this time playing with the idea of offering email Tarot/Oracle card readings and Astrological Birth Charts.
Card readings would be very cheap for a while – probably $5 and that’s for the time and work I put into writing up the reading results, because I don’t want anyone paying more than that for answers that seem totally inaccurate or off-base. I’m still learning here. I’m not a master card reader; this would be developing my abilities.
The Birth Charts would probably be between $20 and $30 – they are very extensive, very time-consuming, and actually very tiring to work on (like some of these blogs I do).
They seriously take several hours to create + interpret.
It’s been a decade or more since I’ve done a Birth Chart, since 2009 I think, and Anna the psychic medium I was talking about actually bought one from me back then.
It’s ironic that I’m such a fan of all the cards, but I’ve never been big on Astrology, and yet I feel much more comfortable offering Astrological Birth Charts over card readings.
It’s because I know exactly how to construct Birth Charts and all the information is given to me.
The charts are great for people who follow astrology religiously, enjoy reading their horoscopes, or are just very interested in learning more beyond their Sun Sign.

So yeah, it’s an idea I’m toying with.
It’s kind of another little dream of mine to be a gypsy fortuneteller.

A country gypsy witch living that magickal, folksy, down-home life with my sexy husband and beautiful children.

I have to keep believing that everything will be okay – more than okay – and that my hopes, wishes and dreams will come true.

Be safe and healthy, everyone.

~Photos from yesterday~

Some goings-on in my garden: Onions, lettuce, peas, and the Bugtusslin’ Bandit hanging out with Roxanne and Wally
My growing wildflowers!

My Bingo roses – I planted them on March 9th’s full moon

My “Tequila” rose bush
My “Sunshine Daydream” rose bush
My “Candy Cane Cocktail” rose bush
Witchy books for personal growth and expression; I’ve been writing in “The Mindful Witch” by Jenn Stevens since January
My “Witch Life” Coloring Book by Amy Cesari: I haven’t started using it yet, but I might have a lot of coloring to do if we get a “Stay-at-home” order
An unofficial shot of my Spring display I created (and will be posting as my next blog)
A delicious ending to my busy day: My crockpot pickle chicken with roasted broccoli and corn


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