So far April has been just a continuation of the March madness – intensified a bit, in both “safety measures” and with my anxiety.
Our “orders” here in Tulsa are still pretty much the same, which remain fairly loose, but stores have increased their social distancing precautions and procedures.
As in setting up designated entry ways and exits and limiting the amount of customers inside at a time.
Also many more people have been sporting the face masks.
Making the weirdness of it all a little more official.
Though, going to the park this past Friday (photos down below), you wouldn’t even know there’s a Coronavirus going around; there were so many people there, out enjoying the gorgeous weather and beautiful floral scenery and taking photos. With not one person wearing a mask that I saw.
A nice break from the “pandemic world.”
I needed that time out in nature and the cool, fresh air, because earlier in the week I succumbed to my relapsing anxiety and emotions.
Last Tuesday on the 7th – the evening of the full moon – I had a panic attack and almost blacked out.
I was very close to fainting, but with the help of my mom and sister fanning me and giving me a cool washcloth, I slowly recovered.
Some disturbing, detailed commentary about a murder on a true crime show had triggered the attack and me becoming physically sick; however, I know there was much more to it than that.
The morning after my attack, I wrote a post on my Facebook:
“Well I had a panic attack last night and almost blacked out, so clearly I’ve had way too much anxiety building up the last couple months, and yesterday it was like I subconsciously knew it was coming; I was calm but I had a weird feeling all day.
Like I’ve said before, I feel like there’s a lot I’ve healed from and accepted, and being positive and trying to stay in a good mood has helped very much, but I am still fighting more recent emotions that are physically impairing me.
I’ve been feeling so much weight in my heart again, I can’t invoke those extremely high emotions (like joy) that are needed to align with what I want in life. I need a “block” exorcism or something, this is so stubborn and heavy. I need some really powerful Mind, Body & Spirit therapy..though I think it’s my heart that’s the problem, not my mind.”
Previously in the day on the 7th, I was sitting in my bed in my room and my heart suddenly started doing its very slow beating when it actually makes my chest rise up and down and rocks my head back involuntarily. I was able to stop it before anything actually happened, but I have learned that this occurrence precedes a panic attack ever since experiencing this physical phenomenon last year.
So obviously my body was trying to tell me something that I couldn’t get out any other way.
I don’t know what else I can do with this anxious energy; I feel so stuck again emotionally and with the strain that puts on me physically.
On the morning before I went to the park, I posted again about the struggle with my internal conflict:
“I’m trying to refrain from doing any more ‘anxiety spam posting/sharing.’
I don’t like falling off the horse; I’m trying to get back on. I’m kind of hanging on by a shoe.
It’s like I’m okay, but I’m not. I’m thinking positively, but I’m not. I have hope, but I don’t.
(If anyone can relate or understand that.)
Feeling like I have to force myself to come to terms with something that I don’t want to come to terms with.
I’ve been completely let down by someone, and these times only make it worse. Because I know it only reaffirms the reason for the pain and disappointment from the situation that I already felt.
With my personality type and the way my heart and mind work, I don’t and can’t take this lightly. I’m an intense person; I have real, deep feelings. And I never can comprehend how others don’t, or how they don’t understand that what they say and do makes a big impact.
It’s so difficult for me. It always is.
But I’ll just keep going, as usual, and look for the good in life.”
I’m not in a terrible mindset or anything; I’ve just felt for several weeks now that my positive beliefs and faith I want to put into the LoA are weakening in the battle against a possibly real, physical condition/Broken Heart Syndrome.
Part of me knows what’s meant to be will be and the right man will do what he should do, and the other part of me is still in so much turmoil from this past November/December.
I can’t find anything on any LoA website that talks about my specific issue.
The closest I’ve seen is a spiritual business ad that’s been showing up for me in my Facebook newsfeed; it’s a post explaining that our heavy, negative emotions are literally stored in our bodies over time and is proved by neuroscience. Stating that even if we don’t actively/consciously feel or think about these emotions all the time, they are not gone because they are stored in our nervous systems. The solution to release this heavy burden of emotions is through “breathwork.”
That description of “heavy emotions being stored in our bodies” (particularly the nervous system) is exactly how I feel and I’ve also wondered for a while if I might have some type of neurological disorder. Like an emotional, neurological impairment.
I might just be making things up.
But anyway, to wrap up this blog, I’m just going to keep working on things and try to figure it all out.
It may take more panic attacks; it may take more time between posting for my blog/working on the site.
My hope is that a breakthrough will come and everything will make sense when it does.
I’m still open to receive miracles!
Here’s to a better second half of April.
~A beautiful afternoon at Woodward Park this past Friday~