Something happened last Tuesday.
A week ago today and also exactly a week after my full moon anxiety attack.
The man I’ve been talking about in my blogs since this past November finally contacted me.
It was just past 9:30 that night of the 14th when I heard the text notification sound on my phone nearby and I looked over and saw that the message was from him.
I was paralyzed for a few moments.
It was a simple “Hi”; he was probably a bit hesitant about how to “approach” me and how I would react to him with the way we had left off.
I messaged him back asking “Was that text really meant for me?”
He said “Yes. I’ve thought about you and wanted to make sure you are alright.”
You have no idea how much those words meant to me.
I’d been waiting for him to do this; my anxiety was spilling over wanting him to do this.
I replied “Yes, I’m okay. What about you? And your kids?”
He told me that he’s good and he’s still working, but he can’t see his kids because of what’s going on.
I said I was sorry about that and it must be really hard on him.
He replied “Just weird, you know?” And then he asked me what I’ve been doing because of COVID-19.
I gave him a response he may not have expected or wanted to get into.
I said “My life hasn’t really changed – I’m still working, I can still go outside, and I already had no social life. The Coronavirus hasn’t been hard on me, it’s what happened with you that’s been hard on me.”
He reverted back to the guy that disappointed me in December: “I’m sorry. But I’m at a pivotal point in my life.”
Of course I didn’t want to hear that bullshit and so I pressed him with a “What does that mean exactly?”
He wouldn’t elaborate and delivered an evasive answer.
“A lot. Sweet dreams, I’m crashing.”
I replied “Yeah, I’m really going to have sweet dreams with that response.”
He attempted to give me a little more of an explanation.
“I’m sorry, I got off only 1 hour ago.” And then he added “I just want to choose the right long-term partner.“
As always, I gave him a piece of my mind.
“Well, you should feel it in your heart, it’s not a business decision.
You’re looking at it the wrong way.
So sweet dreams to you, because you’re the one needing answers.
Also, I’m going to smack you really hard in your dreams because you’re pissing me off again.”
He had fallen asleep and it was the next morning when he responded again.
“I’m pissing you off?”
It’s flabbergasting how seemingly oblivious and unaware he is with me.
I had to say to him: “You have no idea the effect you have on me, do you?”
“No, what do you mean?”
He was as clueless as ever.
I didn’t have time to answer that question then.
“I’ll tell you later, I’m about to get up and get ready for work.”
And he said “Ok, have a good day.”
Later that afternoon I sat down to really give it to him straight, and I texted him the following:
“Read this when you have plenty of time and are able to absorb it, I’m sorry if it gets real long.
It might sound like a pep talk and that I’m bitching at you at the same time, but hey, that’s me.
You should know a lot of this already since I said these things to you when I said goodbye in December.
I didn’t want to say goodbye to you, I didn’t want to stop seeing you.
I felt like I had to because you were giving me mixed signals and then not taking me seriously.
You kept asking me about having kids, you asked me my baby name ideas on the second date, you said you were chasing me as squirrels, and you hugged me and kissed me like we were way further along than we were.
Our “log ride” almost turned into a porno, so yes I was very upset with your hot & cold behavior. That crossed the line when I found out you were seeing other women. I’m not going to do that with you and then you’re off doing it with someone else.
I won’t be a flavor-of-the-week or a car you test-drive.
I didn’t sign up to be on ‘The Bachelor’, I hate that show with the fire of a thousand suns.
No woman in their right mind would want to be referred to or treated as an ‘option.’
I would never call you that.
I went out of my way to find you, I had to meet you and get to know you.
I felt it the second I first saw you, before you said ‘Very nice.’
I wouldn’t let myself believe it for a month, but I got my ass in gear and made a move and I will never regret that.
I loved all our dates. I felt an incredible connection and chemistry with you, and I thought you had felt it too.
And it hurt me very badly when you made it clear that you weren’t on the same emotional level as me.
It still hurts me, I’ve been thinking about you every day since first seeing you in October. I haven’t gotten our time together out of my head. Even if pain, anger and sadness come with it.
From the things you told me about yourself, I got the impression that you’re trying to find yourself and figure yourself out.
I would think that surely you must have some ideas and dreams about the life you want and the kind of woman you want to be with.
You have to have opinions on these things, there must be a vision in your mind somewhere.
I don’t know too much about your past, but you got lost a while back and I do believe you’re looking for something to hold onto.
I don’t know what exactly you’re afraid of or what’s holding you back, but you have all the power and the potential in the world to have the life you want, I really believe in your abilities.
It’s just a matter of you deciding what you want and putting your intentions out there.
You’re not the only one at a ‘pivotal point’, I have my dreams too and I’m almost 33 years old.
And I make things pretty damn crystal clear.
You seeing me as an option makes me feel undesirable and not worth something to you.
But I know my worth and what I deserve and that’s a decisive man that knows what he wants and goes after it.
I have no idea what kind of women you have been around, but I’m not one of them.
I’m done ranting now.”
He never replied back after that and now it’s been a week later, like I said.
I think I know why.
I probably stunned him.
It was probably too overwhelming, too blunt, and too much truth and honesty for him to face.
He shut down from (my/his/both of ours’) emotional overdrive; his head probably exploded from it all.
Even after all these months, he’s still hiding from himself and won’t dig deep beyond the surface to discover who he truly is and what he wants.
But he messaged me for a reason; him thinking about me and making sure I’m okay says a lot. It’s huge to me.
Because deep down in MYSELF, I felt he wanted to say something to me, it’s just always those “apparent circumstances” bringing my intuition down and telling me otherwise.
I gave this blog its title for the reason that in my late March post I mentioned the possible connection to this man and the Harlequin card I pulled for April in a New Year’s card reading.
Lo and behold, said man contacted me in mid-April.
A strange coincidence?
Or is the Harlequin slowly attempting to unmask himself?
I don’t know when he will message me again, but I also don’t know how the wheels in his head could not be turning with the thought-provoking rant I fed him.
I told him I was going to smack him and he told me to have a good day – clearly we’re on decent terms with each other.
Although I really do want to knock some sense into him because he is such a god damn fool.
If the silent treatment he is giving me now is a period for his own self-reflection, soul-searching and eye-opening revelations, it will be a time well spent.
So use it wisely, YOU DUMBASS.